20 Jokes That Only Intellectuals
Will Understand

1. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
because they always take things literally.

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a
rhetorical question?

3. 3 logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks
"Do all of you want a drink?"

The first logician says "I don't know."
The second logician says "I don't know."

The third logician says "Yes!"

4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide
and go's Einstein's turn to count so he
covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.Pasca|
runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by
one meter square on the ground in front of
Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein
reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees
Newton immediately and exclaims "Newton! I
found you! You're it!"

Newton smiles and says "You didn't find me, you
found a Newton over a square meter. You found

5. A mathematician and an engineer agreed to

take part in an experiment. They were both placed
in a room and at the other end was a beautiful
naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said
every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel
half the distance between themselves and the
woman. The mathematician said "this is
pointless" and stormed off". The engineer agreed
to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The
mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don't
you see, you'll never actually reach her?". To
which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon
I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

6. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a

"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.

The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I
would have asked for it!"

7. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up
two fingers, and says, "Five beers, please".

8. A logician's wife is having a baby. The
doctor immediately hands the newborn to the

His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a
girl" ?

The logician replies: "yes".

9. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe,

revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He
says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee,
please, with no cream." The waitress replies,
"I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream.
How about with no milk?"

10. Entropy isn't what it used to be.

11. How can you tell the difference between a
chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce

12. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

13. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel, and Noam
Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to
the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke,
but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?"
Godel replies, "We can't know that because
we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course
it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."

14. Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint,
the phone rings and he jumps up shouting "oh
shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"

15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer,
the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble
gases here." He doesn't react.

16. Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And

17. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog
stand and says "make me one with everything".

18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the
priest says "we don't allow Higgs Bosons in
here". The Higgs Boson then replies "but without
me, how could you have mass?"

19. The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to
the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have
eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of

20. There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't
had any gigs yet.